Losing an identity
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| Photo by Gabriel on Unsplash |
These past few months have been tough ones for me. As I started not to have a responsibility to go to classes every day, I began to feel losing a purpose in my life. Days passed, I feel less like a student, and more like a nobody.
Those who know me would have told you many stories to show you how much I love being a student. For these previous 15 years, I had been so fortunate to have such a passion for being a student, as it was the primary role in these periods of life.
This year, however, I realized it is all coming to an end. I am currently finishing my final assignment for college and faced with the fact that for the rest of this year, I would not be a student anymore.
I asked myself, “Who am I if not a student?”
I feel like I am losing a role in this life and feeling so insignificant. I can’t remember what was happening in the days if there were not something big happening. Hating myself when I did not have any power to get out of my bed to do my ONE AND ONLY assignment, and only loving myself when I did.
So, earlier this month, I started documenting one second (and a half) of my day on every single day.
Who would’ve known that it would be a way to learn to practice gratitude?
As I was reflecting on what I had done this month, I feel grateful even though I did not do something big that day. I appreciated each little progress I made each day. I began to learn loving myself on the days when I was only watching youtube videos, just as much as I do on the day when I passed the second of the three tests I am required to pass to graduate. Because now I understand that those big days cannot be happening if there were not those days when I was struggling just to turn on my laptop to finish my assignment. Those were all a part of the process.
As I am writing this, I also realize, how after this is all ending, I am never going to lose my identity as a student. I am never going to lose a purpose in life. I can always learn something new every day in different forms, just by learning to be a better person every day.
As I was reflecting on what I had done this month, I feel grateful even though I did not do something big that day. I appreciated each little progress I made each day. I began to learn loving myself on the days when I was only watching youtube videos, just as much as I do on the day when I passed the second of the three tests I am required to pass to graduate. Because now I understand that those big days cannot be happening if there were not those days when I was struggling just to turn on my laptop to finish my assignment. Those were all a part of the process.
As I am writing this, I also realize, how after this is all ending, I am never going to lose my identity as a student. I am never going to lose a purpose in life. I can always learn something new every day in different forms, just by learning to be a better person every day.